What Once Was Lost 


          What’s going on with me?  I wondered as I walked.  I rubbed my forehead, the wind whipping my hair around my face with a ferocity I saw all too often.  The weather lately had been unseasonably warm, but windy more often than not.  I was headed to the Arboretum to read, hoping that in going there I would be able to avoid the dreams – and the waking dreams – that had plagued me lately.  I’d found it harder and harder to concentrate lately.  My grades were beginning to slip as a result, and that wasn’t a good thing.
          Shannon, the bane of my existence, hanging around Craig wasn’t helping matters either.  She still hadn’t learned to take the hint that he just wasn’t interested in her.  Between her and the dreams I kept having, I wasn’t sleeping very well.
          I dropped onto one of the benches and just sat there for a long moment, watching as students walked up and down the sidewalks.  The wind rushed through the trees in the ravine, whipping past me, toward the library, the clock tower, and beyond.
          Self-consciously, I touched the scratch across my cheek where I’d found myself bleeding one afternoon after I’d had one of my strange dreams, the ones where I was Shai of Clellan and my friends all seemed to be present and accounted for, from my roommate to Craig to Lance to Alaina.  It occurred to me that the only one who had not yet made an appearance in my dreams was Miralynn Danson, a friend that Jude had introduced me to early on in the year.
          It’s only a matter of time before my subconscious paints her face on someone in these dreams.  Damn, would this make a good book someday or what?  Oh, who am I kidding?  I couldn’t commit this all to writing if I tried.
          I grinned at myself.  Writing was more of Jude’s department anyway.  I was better at interpreting events and random things of that nature.
          I took the book from my backpack and tried to concentrate on the words on the page, but I couldn’t seem to keep my mind on it.  My thoughts continued to wander, and I found myself more often than not watching people as they walked by, on their way to class, to Commons, home…it didn’t matter which direction they were going.  I watched all the same.  It wasn’t like I could keep my mind on anything else but something that fleeting, that flighty.
          At some point, I just closed my eyes and wondered.  What’s going on with me?  I must be losing my mind.  I must be losing my mind.  Even though I’d often said that I’d lost my mind – and my sanity – long ago, the prospect of actually losing my mind was terrifying.  I suppose it was logical to be afraid, but I still found myself questioning that.  It was true, though.
          I’m losing my mind, and there’s nothing I can do about it.


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